EXCERPTS FROM THE TOP SECRET FILE OF JASMINE ELAINE PARKS

Born: May 14, 1982

Birthplace: Fuji-Yoshida, Japan while my dad was stationed at Camp Fuji, Japan. He was thirty-six when I was born, which may somewhat explain the yawning chasm that stands between his understanding of me and my ability to speak to him without yelling.

Hometown: Who writes these questions? Honestly? I’ve lived in so many different places I’ve had to replace the zippers on my suitcases. I guess that’s what happens when your dad’s a Marine. And not just any old grunt either. Albert’s a real hero. But do me a favor and don’t hold that one against me. Some things you just can’t help.

Family:

Brother—David (twin, younger by five minutes. Ha!)
Sister—Evie (younger by one year. Ha, ha!)
Mother—Stella (deceased)
Father—Albert (disabled)
Maternal Grandmother—May (deceased)
Maternal Grandfather—Lew (deceased)
Paternal Grandmother—Ruby
Paternal Grandfather—Zeb

Pets: Are you kidding? I’m not even in my apartment for enough consecutive days to keep the mold in my takeout boxes alive.

Hobbies: Um. I’m going to have to look up the definition of this word. Will come back to it later.

Education: B.S. in Supernatural Criminology with Leadership Specialty from the University of Illinois, Graduated summa cum laude. (How does the daughter of a Marine and a grocery store clerk afford an education at the great U of I you might ask? You do? Well, I got through on a track scholarship. Also worked my ass off at an all-night diner called Djork’s. FYI, if you ever want to put a swift halt to butt-pinching, dump a glass of ice water down the guy’s shirt. Works every time.)

Vital Statistics: I feel like I should pull out my baseball card. “Yeah, I had a helluva year.” Pause here to spit and scratch. “Batted 500, and had twenty RBIs with no errors.” So, okay, I’ll play along. I’m five feet, five inches tall. Weigh in at about one fifteen right now, though I can go as high as one twenty when I remember to do that third meal. Shoulder length, curly red hair which dyes and straightens well, so no worries about disguises which, by the way, I adore. Uh, green eyes. Great legs. Wouldn’t mind having a little more up top. But I digress. I look to be a somewhat fragile, career-minded young woman who probably spends her weekends trying to land Mr. Right at one of the local fisheries, I mean, clubs. In other words, I’m much more dangerous than I appear. Anything else? Oh yeah. One piercing—belly button—which is an innie.

Special Skills: Fifth degree black belt in taekwondo. Advanced training in aikido, southern Shaolin style kung fu, ju-jitsu and mystic fong chen. Expert sharpshooter. Ability to detect vampires without first seeing them. Cannot be hyponotized by same. Also somewhat immune to vampiric powers in general, making me an ideal candidate to assassinate the undead. Ability to react quickly in fluid situations where flexibility and clear thinking under pressure are required.

Other: I never know what people want here. A list of my favorite movies? The story about that time I met Stephen Lynch? (Yeah, he’s hilarious in person too.) Okay, here’s the deal. All my life has led me to this moment. The constant moves that have pretty much turned me into a loner. The hardass dad who whipped the flab off me even as he ingrained resentment deep into my soul. The sweetheart of a sister who motivates me to do everything in my power to protect her world. Ghosts from my past who taught me never to turn my back on anyone. It’s all wound up into this spinning, flaming ball that burns inside my gut, inspiring me to greatness. Not fame. That’s not what I mean. Just the best work I’ve ever done. And I mean to do it for you. So what are you waiting for, Pete? What do you say we take out some bad guys?

 

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